Posts Tagged ‘depression’


TW for ED, suicide/depression, self harm

Hi everyone, I just wanted to take a minute to introduce myself, Heather, also known as Fat Girl Posing, and tell you a little bit about myself and how I came to fat acceptance. I’ll try to keep it short. As an adult I’m opinionated and creative, something I hope comes through in my posts. I write for my own blog, Fat Girl Posing where I blog about my experiences as a local plus size model, as well as for Fierce Freethinking Fatties under the name hlkolaya and now, I’m happy to be writing here as well!

I’m fat- a deathfat in fact, and I grew up that way. In fact, I was a size 22/24 in 6th grade, only three years after my journey into fatdom. You see, before third grade I wasn’t fat at all. I was a “wiry” child as my mom likes to say, just like my son is now. I wore the smallest sizes and they were still big. So what happened? Well, hell if I know, but the doctors’ best guesses – and these are medical professionals talking about weight so take it, as always, with a few handfuls of salt- are that my body changed when my bipolar symptoms kicked in. Yep, I’m fat and kinda nuts (no, you’re not allowed to say that, only I am), you’d have to be to be in the business of fat activism I guess. So in three years I went from bean pole to, what, a watermelon or something if we’re sticking with food analogies.

So I lost all of my friends, got asked on dates as jokes, got beaten up, even had bricks thrown at my head. I went from the popular girl to the lowest of the low. At at ten, in 6th grade, I first attempted suicide. I’d try again a couple of times growing up. By age 15 I had an eating disorder where I regularly starved myself, abused diet pills, over exercised, and purged. I had also started self harming at that point. It’d take me ten years to overcome both.

How did I do it? For me it was almost overnight. I was at a friend’s house, talking about how I’d managed to get my daily caloric intake down to 350 and she handed me a book and asked me to read it. It was Lessons From The FatOSphere by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby. I read it, got pissed, stomped around for about two weeks and then a lightbulb went off in my head. It was only a month later when I started my own blog. For me it was the science of it- I’m a science based girl and I couldn’t ignore all of the evidence right in front of me no matter how much I wanted to. I threw out my scale, went into recovery for my eating disorder (then decided to actually tell someone about it and get diagnosed), and became an activist.

I’m a fierce advocate for all human rights and I value intelligence and compassion above all else (one without the other is useless). And that’s me- in a very small nutshell. I’ll probably be doing a combination of photo posts as well as text posts and anything that I find fat and awesome. Thanks for letting me get to know you all. <3

Fit or Fat – they aren’t mutually exclusive (also, other ramblings)

I don’t remember exactly how old I was. I was probably six or seven years old, maybe eight at the most. I grew up in Burleigh on the Gold Coast, and in the mid 80s there was only one shopping centre nearby for your regular weekly shopping. I remember that there used to be a bookshop out the front of Woolies, which is where Mum used to do her weekly shopping.

I remember this one day fairly well, and it all came back to me last night. We had been to the shops and we must have wandered into the bookshop. There was a tape there, called “Fit or Fat”. I wanted it. No, I needed to have it. I begged Mum to buy it for me (remember, I’m under eight). She tried to dissuade me, telling me that it wasn’t going to help me not be fat any more. Eventually she relented (I was a hyperactive child, so it was probably just easier for a cheap audiotape).

There I was, a child, knowing that it was wrong to be fat and that I needed something to help me be fit. I was defective, I was ugly and I wanted out. I have tears welling up remembering that day, and how… sad isn’t strong enough, but how sad it is that such a young boy felt the need to be different. I felt so uncomfortable in my body and so unhappy.

I started weight watchers when I was in Year 7 at school. I lost weight too, by eating celery sticks with peanut butter, or Weet Bix with Vegemite. This was before the points system, where I was required to count the number of serves of protien, vegetable, fat, etc that I had eaten. I was weighed, just like the rest of the adults, and went to the meetings. Oh how horrible it all was, looking back on it.

That wasn’t my last foray with Weight Watchers. I think it was in 1999/2000. Actually yes it was. I lost 20kgs. I went to the shops one day at Australia Fair and I remember standing out the front of K-Mart and ringing my Mum excitedly (My mum and I are very close). “I can fit! I can fit into an XL!!!” I was so excited and happy.

Forever since then I dreamed of fitting back into an XL. An XXL would have been ok, because at least I could shop at some normal shops.

I’d love to write “Oh and now I’m just awesome and never get depressed by this” but I think it’s important that I say that I’m not there yet, not all the time. Many days I’m just happy to be who I am, but some days are harder than others. I think that’s normal for anyone, no matter their size. You find your “issues” and get depressed about them, but then get over it and grow.

Ugh, that sounded almost like a self-help guru. Save me.

I got off point, which is good. It means I wrote what came to me, not what I planned. I had meant to play around with the title of the audio tape, and say that being Fit and Fat is possible. Well, I’ve done that, but I think I’ll get into it more another day.

Even a man can fat it all over the place and look fancy

Axis of Fat is an idea of my wife. It’s something that Natalie and some of her some of her friends thought was a good idea – a place to blog about being fancy in the world while being fat. Fat and fancy is possible, and I’m sure you will hear them talk all about it.

I’m sure there will be a lot of talk of fashions and styling, where to find good clothes, stores that look after fat people instead of treating us like leapers. So why am I here, blogging on Axis of Fat? It doesn’t seme a very manly thing to do?

I think fat men of Australia, and the WORLDDDDDDDD need a voice. We need good clothes, not the dodgy off-cuts that are thrown to us by Lowes and Lowes. Why should I be grateful to find a pair of pants that fit when they make me look hideous?  I also think there are many fat men out there who, despite seeming very jovial and laughing off the jibes from their “mates”, are feeling lost and alone in a world where thin is beautiful and considered normal.

I’ve been through depression, the name calling, the school yard taunts, the art of hiding what I eat from people because of the shame. I’ve lived for years and years doubting that I’m a decent person because I’m fat. I’ve wondered, “Why me?” and tried all of the diets that I could get my hands on. I’ve had “caring and thoughtful” family members, friends, work colleagues, internet folk, doctors and people I don’t even know suggest that I need to lose a “little” weight.

No wonder I felt alone.

I exercise when I can (heck, who’s ever perfect on that score) and I eat the best food I can find for my mouth. I eat when I want, what I want, when my body tells me to have it. I don’t sit down to a tub of lard and think, “oh boy, I’m going to put on 10 kilos today so that I can have society taunt me”. I think, “I’m hungry and I feel like a Caesar Salad today” or “Darn, I’m late for work – Macca’s will just have to do”.

If I can let one man know that being fat does not mean you are worthless; that being a kind human being is more important than being a particular shape; that health is possible at EVERY AND ANY size; that being yourself and just going out there and doing whatever it is you want is your RIGHT, not your DREAM, then I’ve done something good.

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