Tight Squeezes and Other Frustrations.
Wednesday, September 14th, 2011
There is this Italian restaurant here in Perth that serves the most delicious authentic Italian cuisine imaginable. The place itself is small and cosy, and the staff are loud and friendly. It’s one of those places that is always full; so full, in fact, that you can’t even make reservations and instead have to wait in line outside. My partner adores their Cannelloni and I am in love with their Tortellini Carbonara. And yes, I always try to force a Tiramisu in as well and every single time, I am defeated and left with more than half of a plate left.
And even though I could eat their delicious food every day of the week, I started choosing other not-so-great restaurants over this amazing place because every time I go there and line up outside, I look into this amazing little restaurant and am confronted by the reality that I am wider than the spaces between the chairs and tables.
When I saw a couple way in the corner finish their meal and get up to make a beeline to the cashier, I was left with a feeling of dread because I was going to have to attempt to squeeze my way between chairs to get to that table; that stupid fucking table that looked like it was a mile away from where I stood.
I hated it most when I had to actually ask the diners to get out of their seat to let me through. There have been occasions where more than a few people have had to stand up and push their seats forward just so I can squeeze past and be seated at my table.
I hated that. I hated being a disruption. I hated disturbing people while they ate. I hated feeling like an actual elephant in the room. And I really really hated how all I ended up thinking about during dinner was how I was going to have to disturb more people when it was time to leave.
Most of these feelings were put to rest when I became part of the FA community. My whole outlook on the situation has changed now. When I have to squeeze my big fat arse between two chairs and apologise for having to ask the diners to move in a little, I realise now that people don’t actually care; their night has not been ruined by the fat girl who needs to get past, and my night is not ruined by those horrible feelings of embarrassment anymore.
I write this entry not to bitch about how unfortunate it is to be fat. On the contrary, I’m loving who and what I am, and I love my body now more than ever. But there definitely are things we fat people have to think about that the thinner population don’t, and that’s what I want to read about from you, the readers of this amazing blog.
What can you think of that is similar to this situation? Do you worry about going on a scuba diving tour and not being able to fit into a wetsuit? Do you worry about going to theme parks and not being able to go on certain rides? What do you do to overcome these feelings of embarrassment or exclusion? Through our collective experiences, perhaps we can help each other in dealing with these negative ideas by replacing them with healthier and more positive ways of thinking.
Change and growth
Friday, July 8th, 2011
I received an email request through the contact form that Nick forwarded to me today, and it made me realise that while I haven’t abandoned my beliefs in body acceptance, I’ve found that there’s so much more I want to talk about than just FA. Those of you who follow me on Twitter and Tumblr would probably know that I’ve started my own blog, Cutselvage.com recently. I’m really enjoying the freedom to talk more generally about my life and how that interacts with my body acceptance.
Axis of Fat was a great platform for me, but I’ve grown and changed since it was created, so it’s only fair to myself to let it go, and utilise my new blogging space. I’ll be leaving all my old posts up, and I’ll probably cross-post a few of them over at the new blog progressively.
It’s been a pleasure interacting with all the commenters here, and I hope I’ll see lots of you at Cutselvage.com
Fatshion.
Monday, June 13th, 2011
So it’s been fairly quiet over here at the Axis. I know that a large number of us have had our own life issues, and frankly blogging has to take a back seat to that kind of stuff.
I honestly don’t know how people are able blog on a regular basis. When I didn’t have a job it was a whole lot easier, but now that I’m working it is a whole new kettle of fish. Really I should be asleep already, but once again fat politics races through my head at all hours. Luckily, we have a blog to discuss these items, hrm?
I’m getting married. And thankfully, I’m not a traditional bride. The idea of wearing a white dress and having a big party honestly scares the crap out of me. I realise, however, that I am a minority. If I were going to go down the route of traditional bridalwear, I do believe I’d be a bit disappointed with my options.
Take for example, J. Crew. My style at the moment is very J. Crew. I feel the aesthetic is simple, comfortable and stylish. Unfortunately, J. Crew do not stock my size. I am a size 24 (on average) but their clothing seems to only go to a size 16 (and even then only in certain styles.) If I were going to do the whole “walk down the aisle” thing in a traditional way, I’d love to wear something like this dress. Which is a real pity, since it only goes up to size 6.
I think it’s great that people from sizes 0 to 6 have so many options, but given the supposedly alarming rising obesity rates, shouldn’t fat people have just as many (if not more) options?
As I am prone to doing, I wrote all these points in an email to the company. It’s laziness and possible prejudice on their parts, but I feel as if we’re not going to see any change in the current system unless we all stand up and demand more choice. Have you ever written to a company asking for their fashion to be more size inclusive?
Food for thought.
Mmm, food.
Ethical Fatshion: A Mythical Unicorn?
Monday, December 27th, 2010
Yesterday I caught up with Sonya and her mother to do some shopping at the Boxing Day sales at the massive Chermside shopping centre. To put this in perspective, according to the centre’s website, there are 69 stores that cater to women’s fashion. Of these, there are three dedicated plus-size stores – Autograph, City Chic and MySize. Of these, City Chic is the only one that is geared towards a younger demographic. There are some others that cater up to a size 18 or 20, but generally speaking, most stop at 16 (or a 14).
Standing outside the door at 8:45am, waiting with a crowd of other plus-sized women, I began to feel irritated. The Courier-Mail online covered the sales, and City Chic actually got a name-drop, with the author noting that there were 30-40 shoppers waiting outside. My irritation stemmed from the fact that here we were, people lining up to get some nice clothes at a decent price, and yet retailers continue to insist that fat people don’t spend money, aren’t fashionable, ad infinitum.
(I bought a dress and a top, by the by).
But today, while talking to a few other like-minded fat people about store policies and supporting businesses with practices we agree with, I began to wonder: do stores that produce ethical clothing for fat people even exist? It is so damn difficult just to dress in the styles that I like, it seems like ethically produced plus-sized clothing must be like a frickin’ mythical unicorn.
I know that ethical fashion can have a wide range of meanings, from non-sweatshop produced garments, to retailers that treat their staff with fairness and follow the law, to just not treating their customers like fools, and who are pro-body acceptance. I can’t think of any Australia-based ones that I’m aware of.
When I think about what I’d like to see, it’s mostly to do with the third point. I simply adore Re/Dress NYC for this reason – they are explicitly pro-acceptance, in all forms. And since they stock mostly used and vintage clothes, I could shop there with a clear conscience. Sadly, being on the other side of the world from them makes it a bit difficult to get there regularly.
I’d love to see more retailers that engage with body acceptance. I’d love to see the moderators of the City Chic and Evans facebook pages delete shaming and negative comments, for example. (There were some simply horrible comments on a photo that Gazel of Bonjour Gazel entered in an Evans comp that were incredibly hateful).
The holy grail, of course, would be a pro-body acceptance, non-sweatshop-based, fair-wage-paying retailer that provided on-trend and classic pieces for men, women and everyone in between in a wide variety of sizes. Hey, a girl can dream.
So tell me – what do you want to see from your retailers? What does ethical fashion mean to you? And do any plus-size ethical fashion retailers exist?
a little fat activism makes a girl go BOOM!
Wednesday, October 20th, 2010
Hi there my fatabulous friends 
Today has me smiling and a need to write off a quick post about my latest and greatest fat activism I get migraine headaches and have learned that acupuncture takes care of them like nobodies business so I am a regular patient at a local Community Acupuncture clinic that works on a sliding scale and works to be accessible to all who need it regardless of income… a very cool thing. After your session in a big communal room you can sit in the anteroom area drink some herbal tea and browse the book selection. On one wall is a community announcements board which includes things like intuitive readings, eco-conscious living workshops and the like. I was buzzing on my natural post-needle relaxed state when I saw an advertisement which stopped me dead in my tracks, it was for a new local yoga/gym outfit and the flyers had big quotes screaming “Shake (OFF) what your mama gave ya” and if that was not bad enough the flyer next to it said, “I wanna rock right now! (I gotta big butt I cant wait to slim down)”.
Now that second one? Does not even make any sense unless I am missing a cultural reference here. But right below it was a comments box so I took the time to pen down a note like this, ” I love your clinic! However I feel oppressed by the comments re above. I work for body acceptance and Health At Every Size and find comments above to be unsafe and body shaming which hurts men and particularly women. As a clinic which works to promote an atmosphere of social justice please have these removed.”
I am marvelling at myself…and I do like what I see yes indeedy. A few short months ago I would have looked at that and responded with a head nod and some shameful thought about my body and putting myself down. A few short months ago these signs would have kicked off a guilt-feed fest about how I have not been going to the gym and those nachos I ate the other day; just a heaping helping of self flagellation. In short, I would have swallowed those horrible hateful, ugly comments but today the new and improved me sees those and fights the fuck back. I am no longer swallowing the lies and now I am actively working to change the message for everyone. I deserve a gold star, people!
I will probably go back to the clinic in a week or so and I will update you on the progress. Let us hope real free thinking humans like they advert are actually working there. In fact now that I think about it maybe I should pen a letter to the actual gym… you think it will be received well….ha ha ha!!! Fatty thighs crossed!
First Episode of Ham Radio is HERE!
Monday, October 4th, 2010
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the first episode of Ham Radio, the new podcast from the Axis of Fat. With a uniquely Australasian perspective, we hope to give you a taste of what it is like to be fat and fancy in Australia (and sometimes New Zealand depending on who’s on the show).
This week Zoe and I talk about Fat Fatshion for both Men and Women, including the current controversy with City Chic and Jibri.
Please drop us a line and let us know what you think. I’m sure that it will morph over the first few shows until we bed down exactly what it will sound like.
My Phat Philosophical Philandering
Monday, October 4th, 2010
Being new to the FA movement I’ve come to realize that I have not reached what I thought would be a peaceful conclusion. I thought that I had finally reached the summit of what was the climb of my life only to see that this mountain is only the first of a whole chain of them stretching out to the horizon. I’ve just begun this journey. What I used to accept as the truth (I am fat because I: am lazy, lacking in will, gluttonous, etc) there by being like other women who are pinching, proding themselves whilst talking about the endless hunger of dieting, a famine of the mind, as long as I bought into that I would be accepted even as I was the flotsam of failed attempts washed up on the shore of constant striving.
But now that I have awakened to see the illogical fallacies around me, as I struggle to truly be free, I am coming to other questions and wonder if they are part of “my process”. For example, an old friend of mine facebooked me and out of the blue proceeds to tell me she is a health coach who has herself lost 45 pounds and, “15 to go yay me!’ and wants me to help promote her new job to my friends.
Now, how do I handle this? Do I simply ignore the note? If I do that then what is my role in the FA movement and what does it mean if I stand silent? Do I simply work on myself to the exclusion of interfacing with greater society about the conclusions I have reached? Do I send her a note in response and if so how can I tell her that I think the very thing she is so excited about is a lie? And it is not only her, what do I do with the nameless masses around me who make countless statements and opinions where hate is tossed in as easily as one requests a coffee? Do I attempt to insert my FA mind set? And if so, will I lose friends or even hurt them in the process? If I tell them what I believe will their opinion of me change?
Over the last few months I have mentioned to a couple of friends about my transformation and the responses I got were guarded skepticism at best, polite disagreement or just changing the subject altogether. Not once was the response, “How interesting please tell me more.” And while I can quote and fling reams of data which support my choice it is met with crossed arms, slight head shakes and stiffening jaw lines.
Its with some saddness that the joy and relief I feel at getting off the rollar coaster and loving myself as I am is truly lonley here in my real world, away from the comfort of like minds on the internet. I truly wish my friends and family would join me here but instead of getting warm hands to pull up into my new world view I find resistance, disagreement, disgust even.
Ever see that move, What Dreams May Come? In that movie, the husband played by Robin Williams goes to heaven while his wife goes to hell but in this movie hell is a place of one’s own making, built out of one’s illusions and negative thoughts. The husband makes it his mission to try to convince his wife to change her point of view in order to save her. I guess this analogy is like the FA movement. We have come to a place where we find some measure of peace but it is often a lonley meadow. We watch our loved ones continue to hate themselves or others or keep trying to use a tool like dieting that always fails in the end. How can we bring these people lost within false illusions to the place where they may find acceptance and understanding? Is it our job to even try?
Sigh… I do not know the answer hence the mountain range I must continue to navigate… endless challenges for ourselves and for our fundamental beliefs as to our responsibility to others. So I place this question in your hands: what would you do and what are you doing, if anything, to advocate for the FA movement to intimate friends and family. The unawakened ones?
T-Shirt Activism
Sunday, October 3rd, 2010
Yesterday I caught up with a good friend to tour some of the buildings that were opened to the public for the inaugural Brisbane Open House. Since we would be doing quite a bit of walking, I built my outfit from the shoes (purple Converse hi-tops) up.
Flicking through my tops, I pulled out my “I’M FAT LET’S PARTY” t-shirt.
Sorry for the poor webcam quality, my camera's borked.
I looked at it thoughtfully. Bright, fire engine red, with huge white block letters emblazoned across my chest. Since I bought it about six months ago, I’ve only been brave enough to wear it down to the shops, and to the movies under a buttoned cardigan. I’ve been afraid that people might heckle me, might yell nasty things at me, or just give me that look, that “What is she thinking?” look. I’m still on my fat acceptance journey, and wearing something that might invite such comments seemed to me to be tempting fate a little bit.
That was six months ago, though. I’ve come a long way since then!
Wearing a t-shirt like this when you’re thin (and it is available in sizes from an S) is no doubt amusing for the wearer – “Haha, oh I’m SOOO FUNNY, this is IRONY YOU GUYS”. Wearing it when you’re actually fat, I think, becomes almost a little activism. T-shirt activism.
So I put it on, with a flippy grey skirt and my purple Converse, and an open grey cardigan. It felt really good. Yes, I’m fat, what are you gonna do about it? I felt almost like I was subversively calling people out as they slowed to read what that fat girl was wearing written across her chest.
I met my friend, who grinned at me, and told me that she loved my shirt. The barista who took our coffee order squinted at my chest, and asked what it said; she smiled broadly and told me “That’s awesome!”. When I went to pick up the maxi dress I’d left at the alteration shop to be hemmed, the woman serving me said my shirt was great too.
I’m sure there were plenty of people who read my shirt and thought to themselves that I was revelling in my gluttony, or giggled to their friends about the shameless fat girl, or gave me the side-eye. But that doesn’t matter to me. Because I’m sure that there were people who smiled, or thought to themselves that their fat friends were wonderful no matter their size, or that maybe not all fat people were lazy, stinky and stupid. I count that as a win for fat acceptance.
Would you wear something proclaiming your size acceptance beliefs in public? Tell me what you think!
Run! Fatties in bikinis! The sky is falling!
Tuesday, September 28th, 2010
A recent article in the Brisbane Times — Obesity (in the Beauty Beat section) was of the opinion that fatties shouldn’t be seen in bikinis. I assume a great deal of the commenters agree. I have trained myself not to read the comments on news articles because I don’t want to use up the despair for humanity section of my brain so early in the week.
The writer is saying fat should be camoflauged. I disagree vehemently. I am fat. How can that be ‘hidden’? Why should it be? Why should I have to minimise my body to fit in with bullshit beauty standards? Where is our sense of “decency”? I don’t think one should ascribe morals to a person’s body.
So, this is a call-out. A protest. If you’re fat and own a bikini, I want to see you in it. I want to see you flaut your sense of “decency”, I want you to show that body you should be so “ashamed” of.
ETA: Go Corpulent! Frances has kindly allowed me to use her photos in this post. Awesome bikini and awesome post.
My relationship with food is on the rocks
Friday, September 24th, 2010
Another post from the annals of Nicholosophy. At this rate, I should just add my blog to the fat-o-sphere feed…
Warning: I mention weight loss diets. I’m certainly not advocating them though. I also mention the word diet in the context that it is meant, that is “Course of living or nourishment; what is eaten and drunk habitually; food; victuals; fare”.
I have always been a fast eater. For some reason it is as if there is a competition to finish my meal as fast as possible. I remember as a kid going to Sizzler, which is an all-you-can-eat buffet restaurant. I’d be so happy to finish my meals as quickly as possible because it meant I could go back and get more, and more and more. I’d always make myself sick and feel overfull by the time I finished and went home with my parents.
Then there were the times when I’d be on Weight Watchers or other diets. The most successful time for me on WW was in 1999 and 2000. I lost a heap of weight, but it was my mum who was monitoring what I was eating for me. She’d make my lunches and dinner to be compliant with the plan. It worked until such time as I had to take control of my own food management and it all fell over.
All these sorts of experiences have shaped how I deal with food today. I still know the points value for some foods, not that I use them any more. I still know that certain things would be approved on WW and can sometimes see myself move away from something I want to something I think I should have. I also have the other side where I think “I’m fat, it doesn’t matter what I eat” and I just grab anything I feel like.
You know, there are times where I eat things and I feel guilty about it before I eat it. So I’ll go and hide myself away to eat it so I don’t get seen eating it. The fact that eating makes me feel guilty shows me that I have an unhealthy relationship with food.
I suffer from reflux, so I’m not meant to eat things with caffeine in them, like coffee and chocolate. Curry isn’t a good idea, nor is fatty food, tomatoes and a few other things that will set me off. Eating fast isn’t good either, and as mentioned I’ve always been a fast eater. I have learned that a little bit here and there is OK, so like most things it’s about moderation, not complete removal.
When I first was told this, it wasn’t moderation. It was nothing at all. Now instead I’ve had “real” coffee for breakfast, not decaf. I had curry last night for dinner. I had baked beans for dinner (contains tomato sauce). I had Red Rooster for lunch. I had a chocolate later on this evening. If I had just had one or two of these things, I’d be OK but instead I’m now suffering a massive reflux attack (I’m writing this at 1am for that reason). So I’ve gone from one extreme to the other, and this is what I used to do when I was stuck in the weight loss diet round-a-bout.
A real diet is about learning what makes your body happy. It means I am only restricted by what I think works best for me. I won’t give up chocolate, but I just need to remember to moderate it and listen to my body. By eating slower and taking the time to listen to my body, I get the chance to hear my body say “hey, back up. I’m full”, or “OK, this is making you feel sick, you might want to reconsider.”
A real diet is about feeling good about food and not denying yourself something because of some arbitrary “good” or “bad” label. Some foods I won’t touch because I know the moment I do, I’ll feel crook. For example, I avoid pastry if I can tell my stomach is a bit dodgy today.
Learning to understand food is important to me, and I think it is something that everyone has to deal with at some stage. My relationship with food has been on the rocks for years, but I can’t file for divorce. I’ve got to fight a good fight and get it back on track. Fat or otherwise, food is something that everyone has to deal with. Learning about how my body works and what foods make it feel good and bad (rather than being labelled “good” and “bad”) is something I think has to be a priority.
