Omega

Oh, You’re Not Fat!!!

Wed, 14/10/2009 - 12:37pm | by

Here’s something I think every fat person faces sooner or later..

It normally happens around the time you start really identifying as fat. Just when you get comfortable enough to say “I’m fat” in the same way you might say “I have bright red hair.” “I have blue eyes.” You might like or dislike these attributes to a certian degree, but they are not inherently good or evil. They are just an accurate description of your physical appearance.

Sooner or later, you will get somone saying “Oh! You’re not Fat!!”.

It seems as though they are saying “Oh! Don’t say that terrible thing about yourself!”.. with the assumption that “fat” is a horribly negative term and not someone ANYONE would want to describe themselves as. Like saying “I’m hoplessly lazy”, or “I’m ugly”.. as though it’s a subjective, negative thing you need to be talked out of.

How the freak do you respond to that?

Here’s how I handled it recently – for good or ill. Some context, just in case it’s useful.

I was in a silly short film. My friends and I love the author Neil Gaiman, and he said on his blog that if anyone filmed themselves doing a dance that he wrote about in his book “The Graveyard Book” then he’d blog it. So, with that challenge at our feet, we had to make this thing. (Yes, we are that geeky.). So we did! It was fun! And then it did get posted on Neil’s blog, big cheers all around. The link to the film is here

Here we are.

[img_assist|nid=127|title=|desc=|link=none|align=left|width=382|height=265]

 

Can you tell which one I am?

After someone was critising the film, I said “I’m not the director, I’m just the fat girl dancing in the back”.. you know, to identify myself. I figured it was an obvious attribute to distinguish me from the other people in the film.

And then I get this, from another commenter: “Following additional scrutiny, I feel confident in declaring that you are NOT fat.”

My reply? “If that was meant as a compliment, then thank you. But I am fat, and I am totally okay with that. :) “

He comes back with.. “We clearly have different criteria for what constitutes “fat”. Or you’re speaking another language.”

..at which point I think I just have to let it go. Or it starts to sound like I am fishing for compliments (if you assume “not fat” is a compliment). Or that I just have self esteem issues.

I really don’t know how to respond when people say this. I get it a lot, and I doubt there’s a fat girl out there who hasn’t copped it on more than one occassion.

Do you get all preachy? “Hmm, it seems as though you’re attaching some negative connotations to the word “fat” that I don’t. Understandable, given all the hatred out there, but what you mighn’t realise is by saying things like that you’re actually perpetuating those negative stereotyes. How would it be if I just was fat, and that was all right?”

Or maybe just an all out rant.. “Are you on crack or something? Maybe you need to get your eyes tested!! I AM FAT! I promise, I’m not lying, I really am, please have another look at the picture. It’s okay to agree with me. I promise this is not a trap! I’m fat! ITS OKAY TO ADMIT THAT!!”

I just don’t know. What do you do when you cop this one?

 

 

 

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  • emilylzbth

    If it's a close friend, I take the time to explain fat acceptance. If it's not, I just let it go and try to move on. No sense complicating things.

  • http://Jin6655321.blogspot.com/ Jin6655321

    I've told people that they're not fat before, usually not to make the person feel better, but for two reasons:

    1) I didn't know what else to say. Sometimes, when someone mentions that they're fat, I don't know how to respond. Do I agree? Do I just keep silent? What do I say? Are they fishing for compliments? Most people aren't comfortable with the fat label and if it's someone that I don't know well I don't know what their expectations are.

    2) I know that a lot of people in the fat acceptance movement have accepted “fat” as a neutral physical description that applies to them at all times. However, for a lot of people, fat is a very subjective word and not a concrete physical description. Unless you are extremely obese or skinny, everyone has been fat at some point- it just depends on the context. For example, I am petite. At five feet I am always short. However, if you put me in a room with a random gathering of women I would be considered thin. If you put me in a room with models, I would be considered fat.

    When we say that someone is fat, we're usually saying that someone is bigger than expected. We all know Britney Spears isn't fat, but she's bigger than what we expect our celebrities to look like. So, even though she's thinner than the average women, we consider her fat. When I say that I have fat thighs, I know that my thighs are thinner than a lot of women, but it's fatter than what one would expect judging by the rest of my body. When we see someone we haven't seen in years and say, “She got fat,” we're saying that she's bigger than how we remembered.

    I'm not disagreeing with you, you're absolutely right to be annoyed. I've had people try to make me feel better about something that I'm completely comfortable with and it just comes across as condescending, annoying, and sometimes, down right offensive. I'm completely comfortable with how I look and if someone has a problem with my “flaws” that's their issue, not mine. I understand your annoyance but I just wanted to let you know that sometimes, we're not trying to make you feel better or give you some bogus stamp of approval- We just don't know what else to say.

  • EmmyG

    I must be going blind. Which one are you? :)

  • bazbrush

    Yeah, my Husband and I had a fight over this. I tried to explain that according to the BMI charts, Im not just overweight, I'm OBESE, and totally OK with using it as a descriptor. I'm not insulting myself.
    Of course his brain violently rejected that, and he got really angry at me.
    In the end I managed to get my point across by explaining that considering his height and weight measurements, he was probably fell in the obese range too. Maybe a little upfront for him, but true.
    Then he shifted his focus to the flawed BMI and said that it must be completely screwed and someone should sort it out.

    Great, feel free to get right on that wont you! ;-)

    Baby steps here, but it took me ages to accept too.
    I like your reply, quick and to the point, most casual acquaintances would take the cue after that and shut up.

  • swapthedragon

    I once made a comment to one of my customers (who's a regular at my store and I know pretty well) about the fact that I'm fat. She told me “Oh honey, don't say that! You're not really fat!” as if, like you said, describing myself as fat was the worst thing I could ever say about myself. I told her “I'm 5'8″ and 280 pounds. Yeah, I'm fat, and it's okay.” The LOOK she gave me when I not only defended my right to call myself fat, but when I freely announced my weight in front of several people I hardly know… man, that made my day. Since then, she's NEVER brought up anything health/weight/fitness again. Which is too bad, because before that we'd trade stories about our gym visits and jogging habits and such. :-(

  • onenightstanzas

    I can't believe this person argued with you (and in a rather snide way too — suggesting that your vision of yourself was skewed and OBVIOUSLY their ideas about what constitutes “fat” are far more accurate… despite the fact that, I assume, they are not a fat person themselves?). Were they pissed at you because they felt you were throwing “a compliment” back in their faces? Or were they frightened by the sudden realisation that they were in the presence of a very rare and culturally abnormal being: a woman who is totally accepting about her own body? Who knows. But they were a bit of an idiot.

  • http://corpulent.wordpress.com/ Frances

    I have a coworker who REFUSES to accept it when I call myself fat. She's a tiny girl – Australian size 6 to 8 and 55kg. This is an actual conversation that we've had over and over:

    Frances: blah blah blah blah I'm fat.
    Coworker: YOU ARE NOT FAT.
    F: Love, I weigh 95kg.
    C: No you don't.
    F: Yes, I really do.
    C: Scales lie all the time, you can't know for sure.
    F: …….. ok. But I wear plus sized clothes.
    C: No you don't.
    F: Yes I do! These leggings are a size 18. You can look at the tag.
    C: You could've sewn a different tag on there.
    F: You are a big weirdo.

    Another person who struggles with it is my barista. I was wearing my fatty necklace (it's a nameplate that says 'fatty') and he was unimpressed: “What is that?! That… that just… it's like you're saying all women should be thin.” The fuck….?!

    It's weird. Some people cannot deal with 'fat' being used as a boring old adjective. If someone tells me I'm not fat, I tell them my weight or size and if they still can't deal I drop it. There's no point in frustrating myself or them.

  • Miriam_Heddy

    I think part of it is that yes, “fat” is still considered an insult, but also because it's a relative rather than fixed definition. Obese (or “morbidly obese”) triggers people's “the doctor is always right!” button, so if you say that, it sounds like an official medical diagnosis which has, y'know, meaning, and it's thus much less likely to get argued with. People are more likely to respond with, “Really?” and maybe argue that there's something wrong with those BMI charts.

    But I think that you've got some privilege just by not being supersized. There is a point at which people do not, as a rule, argue with someone because they feel silly about it. They're less likely to say, “You're not fat” and more likely to offer helpful advice, or turn the conversation to your assets (“such a pretty face!”).

    All of which is to say, “Gah!” and also, your dress in that video is awesome!

  • boots

    It's interesting to read this post and the comments, I had forgotten that sometimes when people who are not size-acceptance people call themselves fat, they're being self-deprecating, or they're depressed about their bodies, they're not stating a fact.

    I've found what works is to smile and say, “Oh, don't worry! I mean it as a descriptive word, not a pejorative.” And either they get it, or they don't know what pejorative means and they shut up. :-)

  • hilda

    I cannot count how many times I've gotten this comment…And yes, I am just starting to identify with being fat. And yes, I actually do become angry every time I hear it.

    The most ANNOYING moments for me are when a thin friend of mine proclaims that she is fat but I am not. And if you met me, you'd know, there's no room for debate.

    My friends get very upset when I call myself fat, and this actually hurts me. Why are you trying to feed my denial? I don't think there is anything wrong with me.

    Sometimes, a friend in a smaller degree of denial will say, “You're not fat. Maybe a little overweight, but not fat.” 1) Technically, I am not overweight; I am obese. 2) Why do you feel the need to take “fat” off the table? Probably so that you don't need to change your mind about these mythical “fat people.”

  • baconsmom

    I've only had very close friends say it, so I was able to gently tell them, “I understand what you're trying to say. You're saying I'm not lazy, ugly, smelly, or evil. But that doesn't mean that I'm not fat, which is, in my world, a neutral descriptive term. I AM fat – and hard-working, pretty, responsible, and fun. Those things are not mutually exclusive.”

    And they sit with that for a minute, and usually then say, “I never really thought about what I meant by 'fat'.”

    I don't know if that would work with strangers, though – I mean, I haven't even tried it on my mother, whose negative associations with fat just never stop. But it's how I've handled it.

  • ainomiaka

    honestly there's nobody in that photo that I'd consider fat. and that's always my sticky issue with this particular phrase. I believe that fat is a neutral descriptor. And that means that there are people to whom the word just doesn't apply. Just as “I'm fat” can be a freeing expression of the truth, I think that has to go hand in hand with telling people that just because they are bigger than the models they see in magazines doesn't mean they're fat. Just because beauty culture tells you you're fat at size 8 US(a random example, I have no idea of anyone here's size) doesn't make it true. and I don't know how to reconcile that with respecting people's right to self identify. I mean-who made me final arbiter of who gets to use the word fat? nobody.

  • Mina

    I have a good friend that I met online years ago. She saw a picture or two of me, but never from the neck down, and we didn't meet in person due to her living in New York, Texas and LA while I knew her and me living in Michigan.

    When I moved to California I finally got to meet her face to face, and the first thing she said to me is “You're not nearly as big as I thought you'd be!”

    I'm 5'3, 250 pounds! I am that big! I don't know if it was that I made myself sound bigger due to lack of self-esteem at the time, or what, but it was a very interesting comment. I don't generally have people tell me “oh you're not fat”, but that was always something that stuck with me.

    It's interesting that people are so quick to say “you're not fat!” when it's something you self-identify as. Would somebody say “you're not white” or “you're not a brunette”?

  • http://corpulent.wordpress.com/ Frances

    On that last point, I have had people tell me that I'm not Asian.

    Person 1: blah blah something derogatory about Asians.
    Frances: I'm half Asian.
    P1: What?
    Frances: I'm half Asian. My mum is Indonesian.
    P1: Oh. No. I mean, like, ASIAN Asian.

    Apparently Indonesia is not part of the Asia Asia. Adjust your atlases.

  • http://www.fatuosity.net/ sizeoftheocean

    My response is usually something along the lines of: “Dude, I weigh, like, 120kg. I'm considered 'morbidly obese'. I can't find clothes that fit in normal size stores. AND I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING FAT.”

    Sometimes I soften it with and “I know you mean that as a compliment, but…” And if it's someone who I think is really worthwhile, I'll explain that telling me I'm not fat is invalidating my daily reality.

  • http://www.fatuosity.net/ sizeoftheocean

    I actually have a friend who refuses to use the word fat in relation to me, even at my request, because he does think it means lazy, ugly, stupid, greedy, and revolting. I asked him how he'd describe me then, and he said “Broad shouldered?”. Which is freaking hilarious since I don't actually HAVE any shoulders (size 16 shoulders and size 24 hips).

  • Orodemniades

    Ok, I have no idea which one you are in the picture – even after looking at your icon, which I presume is you. I've got a bad case of DeathFat, so, to me, none of you are fat. Pleasingly plump, perhaps, but not fat. Then again, as a woman living in the world, I have no doubt that you think of yourself as fat. Maybe you're more Kate Harding-ish fat? Which is to say, larger than normal, but not someone anyone would hurl insults at as they drive by?

  • http://www.steampunkerie.com/ Omega

    I'm the one front-and-centre, kneeling down, in the grey dress, .. who is much bigger than every other girl in the photo. In the film I am dancing up the back. Does that help?

    I can assure you I have been shouted at many times while walking down the street. MANY times. Now, I do have bright red hair, and I do dress weird, so there's lots of reasons to shout, if you're a moron.. but there's been lots of times they have shouted “FAAAAAT!” so I think we can chalk those up to my size, yes?

    Now it will tell you what a newbie I am to this whole FA thing when I admit I had to goggle Kate Harding to see who she was. As soon I as I did I went “ooooH! THAT girl!”. From looking at some pictures, I'd say, yes, we are of a similar size.. I don't know how tall she is, but yeah, looks about the same.

    I didn't make up that stuff in my “You're not fat.. enough” post, I promise every single thing in that list is something that has happened to me.. usually multiple times. I dont know if Kate Harding cops it too but I suspect, seeing as she's gotten all FA ranty in a delicious way, that it has.

    Me and Kate? we're fat enough to have copped what you're talking about, is what I am trying to say :)

  • badu

    I've recently realised that people want to keep the word “fat” an unspeakable slur, because they feel that helps 'motivate' them in their dieting efforts.

  • http://www.bytheseatofourpants.com/ Jasie VanGesen

    This. I've said that exact thing.